March22013

In 14 Years

I.
Do you remember
how I would climb the two
evergreen trees
next to our house?
I would get all the way to the top,
you would scowl at me to get down.

II.
Do you remember
those Nor’easters?
our entire neighborhood would be covered.
Tyler and I would sled
down the one big hill.
I’d crash into Trevor’s fence
and my leg would burn.
I’d cry.
You helped me up.

III.
Do you remember
Bertucci’s?
Ty and I were young so they gave us
what they gave every kid.
A jalapeño and pizza dough.
We would take a bite of our jalapeños
and scream.
You would laugh.

IV.
Do you remember
Carrie? She was never leash-trained
or any kind of trained.
She would run as soon as the door
was opened.
We always found her.
After you sold her away,
we never found her again.

V.
Do you remember
laughing at me?
You told me I wouldn’t make it
as a writer.
You told me obsessing
over wrestling is silly.
You told me not to dream
about writing for them.
I cried over the red
Slurpee you bought me.

VI.
Do you remember
when you were taken away?
We were told
when we got home from school.
I sat down and did my homework.

VII.
Do you remember
any of this?
It doesn’t matter.
For 14 years and 2 months
there will be nothing new to remember.

September222012

The Student

She crossed her legs and stared at the front

Just as all of them did

Her foot shook on the floor,

Her finger tapped on the desk,

Her eyes flicked to face the clock on the wall.


There was one like her,

Who did not face the front.

That student faced her,

His heartbeat to the rhythm of her finger,

Palms sweat to the speed of her tapping foot.


But when the bell rang,

He took a deep breath,

Turned away,

And walked down the hall.

September212012

To A Classmate

Look around you

All around you

7 billion people

Sharing this planet

3 billion just on this continent


Look at the people in this room.

18 - just like you.

Opinions, 

Voices,

Mouths.

Is there any way that any of us,

are that different from you?


No.

For once.

Just close your mouth.

10AM

Those of Lionheart

Teeth bared and whiskers bristling

Pacing, ready to

Pounce

Yet with closed eyes

They protect those they love

with a heat like that of

their own claws


And of this I must say:

I believe I am one of them

Close to only few,

Powerful against threats

Last to my own mind.


I believe that I, too

Am of Lionheart

September202012

Bring It In

Voices rise up from the

depths of emptiness

Floating up to greet

Me and my companions

Appropriately

What do they say?

Who is to say.

All I can say is 

to listen.

They’ll greet you eventually.

September42012

Letters from a Dead Man

"I’ve told you everything! Why don’t you tell me anything!"

I looked down, watching the grass fall to the side. It’s dark out, and cloudy, so the only lights are coming from streetlights 15 feet away, and lights from various houses that are still awake. Bonding over mindless television.

"I’m too self-conscious to." I muttered quietly, muffling even my quietest words by holding my face in my hands. "Afraid of what you’ll think of me; afraid of what I’ll think of myself."

She watched me carefully, before sinking down in front of me so that I was forced to look her in the eyes. They were wide, deep, and full of whispers. I wished desperately that I was as open and trusting with people as her. Her with emotions whining right through her eyes.

"You are a wonderful, thoughtful, amazing person." she said, resting her hands on my knees so quickly that I jumped. "Nothing you can say about yourself, your thoughts, or other people could make me think any less of you."

I sighed and covered my eyes, holding back a sheen of tears. I hated her and loved her so much just for being her. Generally at the exact same time.

"Just tell me." she whispered, backing up so that she was no longer touching me; but yet I still couldn’t find a reason to look away from her. I rubbed my knuckles into my eyes, drying tears, and watched her. My eyes trained to follow her every movement, every facial expression. We would be out here for hours, of course; as long as I decided to say something.

"I can’t…"

She looked away, but I saw the very corner of her mouth twist down in a frown. “It’s fine. I don’t know why I asked you to tell me anyway. Should have expected this.”

She turned on her heel and walked past me, and my stomach dropped and splattered on the ground. 

"No!"

I reached and grabbed her wrist, pulling her back down to sitting with me.

"Then tell me something." he stared at me again, and I buckled, I looked down and slouched forward, anything I could do to not look at her.

"I don’t know what’s wrong with me." I finally said after hours, (which were really only mere seconds,) of silence.

"Well that’s a start." Her mouth slowly twitched up into a smile.

I smiled with her and began talking. Of course, the most of it was lies. Thinly veiled lies, sparkling against the light of the street lamps. Her eyebrows furrowed and she held up a hand.

"You’re lying."

I closed my eyes, but didn’t dare to move my head.

"You’re lying! I can’t BELIEVE you!"

"I’m sorry…" a tear, a real tear leaked out of my eye and made its way down my skin until I felt it fall. "I’m so sorry…"

"No you’re not. No." She stood up again and started to walk away.

"Iheardfromhim!" I blurted, and she froze mid-step.

"What did you say…?"

"I heard from him…" I was crying then. Crying so that the world seemed bright through my bleary eyes, not able to tell where the falling halo from one stoplight or one house ended and the next began.

She sat down and folding her arms over my shoulders, pulling me into her. “What did he say?”

"He misses me. Both of us. There were little water smudges on the letter…from, from…" I took a deep breath in as I needed it, and pointed to my tears to show her where the water came from.

She asked me more questions about him, trying to figure out what she hadn’t already known, trying to figure out how much he had affected me, and if I was going to be okay through everything. If she could help.

We talked about more than him, we talked about me. I saw her smile, and I saw her mean it and that made me happy, even as the sleeve of my shirt was too wet for me to wipe any more tears in that same spot.

At ten at night she stood up and reached down for me to take her hand. My knees shook, my elbows were weak, and I felt as if I could barely stand. She hugged me, and then broke it, holding me at arms length and smiling.

"Thank you," she said, wiping away the last tear with her thumb.

"Thank you," I whispered back to the someone standing before me.

September32012

Letters to a Fighter

Take a deep breath,

You are you,

No one else.

That shouldn’t be something that you should ever worry about.

Do you not know who ‘you’ is?

Don’t worry.

You’ll figure out.

It’ll all be okay, I promise.

Don’t go mimicking people.

Don’t go making shit up.

Don’t go wishing for yourself.

Don’t wish.

Especially don’t wish.

You’ll find you in good time.

For now, just look.

Passively.

Passively look.

Enjoy the search.

September22012

Letters to a Dead Man

I wrote to you a few weeks ago,

And a few weeks later you wrote back.

It should be easier now, shouldn’t it?

Writing back,

Just answering your questions,

Posing my own, 

Waiting for more, 

Rinse,

Repeat.

Why isn’t it then?

Why do I sit in front of a blank page,

Trying to figure out what to say to you?

You should be easy to talk to,

Easy to figure out,

Easy.

I tell you I still love you,

But you’re non-existent.

You never will be, will you?

You liar

You cheat

You.

September12012

Letters to a Lost Boy

I dreamt of you last night

It’s been a while,

hasn’t it?

Do you still remember me?

(Remember us?)

Do you ever think about me?

Or even us?

I’d be okay if you thought about 

(us)

And not just me.

I’d be okay with that.

Not that it really matters –

what I’m okay with.

It’s completely up to you,

how you feel,

what you think about,

how you remember me.

(us.)

Because it never was just me,

was it?

I can sit here and wish,

and hope,

and pray,

and attempt to rewrite the past,

but it never was just me.

You only cared about us.

August312012

What is Loneliness?

Loneliness is the empty

russet journal on the corner of your desk.

It’s a crisp, white suit gathering dust in the

back of your closet.

Loneliness is unchanged bed sheets, and unmoved chairs.

Loneliness is blinds shut to children

playing hopscotch,

speeding SUVs

and clouds gathering in front of the sun.

Loneliness is unreplied glances sent to all

of the regulars,

as they pass you in crowded hallways.

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